


French Fries

by DiYunho



Category: DCU, DCU (Comics), Joker - Fandom, Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom, joker DCU
Genre: Affection, Arkham Asylum, Brotherly Affection, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Hilarious, Joker - Freeform, Love, Married Characters, Married Couple, Married Life, Mother-Son Relationship, Multi, Nostalgia, Relationship(s), Romantic Fluff, Suicide Squad, Teasing, The Joker - Freeform, The Joker Jared Leto, The Joker Suicide Squad, The Joker fanfiction, The Joker imagine, The Joker/you - Freeform, The joker/reader - Freeform, Trouble In Paradise, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 16:06:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15710628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiYunho/pseuds/DiYunho
Summary: How you and The Joker met involves a pretty surreal story involving French fries and Arkham. Due to both parties’ impulsiveness, you got married on a whim and never had a proper wedding reception. Time to finally take care of the issue.The Joker is 46You are 43You oldest son, Kase is 17Your youngest, Kaiden just turned 16





	French Fries

**Author's Note:**

> You can also follow me on Tumblr under the same blog name: DiYunho.

Your sons walking in the office unexpectedly makes you jump.

“Oh my God!” Kase gasps, covering his younger brother’s eyes while pushing him out.“Don’t look!”

You are all over J in a very much needed makeout session after you just had a fight an hour ago. It was about the wedding reception coming up next month: you just can’t decide on the color of your outfits: Purple? Green? Classic black and white? After all the conflict, it’s still up in the air.

“What are you guys doing back so early?” you shout, getting off your husband’s lap and fixing your hair as you pull down the hem of your short dress; The Joker is not happy with the interruption.

“Can’t you two knock?!” he snarls, trying to regain control of himself.

“We thought you weren’t here; so sorry,” they elbow each other, silently snickering outside the door.

“Be grateful we weren’t naked!” the Prince of Crime points out, winking and you mutter a faint “Stop teasing them.”

“Ewww, dad,” Kaiden scrunches up his face, holding the folder they wanted to leave in the office for both of you.

“How do you think you two showed up, hm?” J buttons up his shirt, only the 2 bottom buttons of course.

“Jesus, dad, we don’t need a visual!” your oldest son complains, patiently waiting to come in.

“Are you guys decent now?” Kaiden asks after texting one of his friends.

“Yeah, come in,” their father announces and you go back to sitting in his lap since you can’t help it.

The two boys stroll inside the office again and you are handed the binder you were expecting: new updates about Arkham’s security policy.

“I though you’ll be gone all day,” you look at them, admiring how much they look like you and J.

“That was the plan, but then uncle Frost… (a low grumble from your husband) “…said he was able to obtain this for you and he dropped us off so we can bring it over. We knew it is important so we just came back.”

“Uncle Frost!” the eruption is quick to follow. “Give me a break!” The Joker hates the fact that your kids call you best friend “uncle”. “Isn’t it enough that I have to put up with him being your mom’s best friend? He’s not your uncle. Period!!!”

Well, this is going downhill very fast; you and your boys know something needs to be done: J has to be distracted.

“So, dad, you met mom during Arkham prison time, right?” Kase points out towards the folder that is currently placed on the desk, taking a sit on the couch by his brother.

J stops his rant, takes a deep breath and switches his focus on the new subject – one of his favorites.

“Yes, in the cafeteria. They brought me there every day in the strait jacket, chained me to the chair at the table in the left corner…Remember that, Pumpkin?” the roar is fast to follow and you yank at his holster, pleased at the memory.

“U-hum…”

“It was my recreational time; I wasn’t allowed to eat with the others. Nobody even looked my way. Until one day, I see this woman walking towards me, a fellow inmate, apparently. She seemed out of it, probably from the meds, quite awkward in that orange jumpsuit that was definitely not her color. “

“Yuck, horrible color indeed,” you recall, shivering with disgust.

“Anyway, she just comes over, drags a chair from a nearby table and slams this plate full of French fries in front of me. She takes a bite out of a fry and feeds me the other half. I really wanted to snap her fingers with my teeth but I didn’t. You know why?” he addresses his sons and there’s no answer. “Because she smelled like chaos, despair and slaughter.”

“My natural pheromones,” you cross your legs and J squeezes you harder towards him.

“Exactly! She looked like crap and so insane I was smitten. I asked for her name and she didn’t answer.”

“That’s because I didn’t remember it ; the stuff they have me was very strong. I just saw this guy sitting alone at a table without a plate and I thought I should give him something to eat. I didn’t even realize it was the King of Gotham,” you explain to the kids again, your heart beating so fast recalling stuff you are very emotionally attached to.

“You mom kept on coming day after day and shared her fries with me: always munching on them first, then gave me the other half.”

Every time the story is told, there’s always new details emerging, one crazier than the other.

“I didn’t know this part!” Kaiden admits and his sibling agrees.

“Oh yes, it happened,” The Joker bites his lower lip, enticed. ”After about 10 days she stopped coming. I didn’t want to care but it bugged me. I really had to fight with myself on that one, but I behaved for a whole week and as a reward I was allowed to roam around the cafeteria for once. I searched for your mom and there she was: alone at a table, staring at her empty plate, completely gone.”

“Yeap, they changed my meds so I was even more screwed up,” the simple explanation makes your boys laugh.

“Anyway,” their father continues, “ I kicked her chair and she didn’t even blink. I think you hold the record, Doll: I’ve never seen anybody gazing at something without blinking for so long.”

“ I can still do it,” you proudly utter and your butt gets pinched.

“Good Kitty,” J whispers in your ear and the boys suspect there is something going on but not sure since it was a very discreet gesture. “So,” he gets all pumped up again,” I took the plate, filled it with fries and placed it in front of her. She didn’t move so I said: ‘Eat your stupid potatoes, craziness.’ Nothing. Your mom was completely bonkers. I kicked a guy off his chair at a nearby table, grabbed it and sat by your mom. Took a fry, bit off it and gave the rest to her. She actually ate it and I kept on doing that until the fries were gone. “

“That’s pretty amazing, dad,” Kase praises the tale, immersed in the topic.

“Right?!” The Joker huffs, full of arrogance. “When Frost and my men came to bail me out of there, I searched for your mom, don’t ask me why,” he lifts his shoulders up, not having an explanation after so many years.

“Jonny was the one that carried me outside after they found me,” you bring it up, delighted. “ I wasn’t in great shape to walk so he lift me up in his arms and stomped on the corridor ; your dad was too busy beating the shit out of two guards that were mean to him with a baseball bat. He looked so classy while doing it and I thought: ‘My God, what a perfect man, adding such a personal touch to his revenge; no gun, just him and his bat.’ “

“I am perfect,” your husband scoffs and Kase softly kicks his brother’s shin, trying not to draw attention to his signal; he holds in the laugh and continues to listen.

“I remember that I sneezed on Jonny’s impeccable suit and instead of getting mad, he smiled and said ‘bless you’…”

“Hold on!” Kaiden interrupts, “Uncle Frost smiles?!”

“Smartass!” you snap, “Just like your father,” and you are getting groped as revenge.

“Bad Kitty!” J growls and you giggle, starting to kiss him all over his cheeks, forehead, temples, then peck his lips.

“Jeez, dad, you’re 46!” the youngest son discloses with a grimace. “Aren’t you embarrassed to have mom spoil you like this?!”

“No! Why should I be embarrassed?! I deserve it !” he answers, irritated.

“U-hum,” you mutter, amused and aware he means it. “Did I ever tell you I was the one that asked your dad to marry me?” you divert everyone’s attention to the new, captivating plot.

“No way!!” the two siblings shout in the same time.

“Yes, after only two weeks we escaped Arkham, I said: “You should marry me, Green Hair.” And your voice goes low, imitating The Joker: “ Why?”; “Because I shared my fries with you,” I replied and your father agreed: “Fair enough.” Now, if this is not the most romantic thing ever, then I am totally insane,” you conclude, kissing your husband.

Your teenage kids gaze at one another, puzzled: they have no idea how you two function since you live in your own little world; a real mystery.

“So you got married only after 2 weeks?!” Kase double checks, surprised by the revelation.

“Yes. Like, why would we need more?!” J responds, not understand what the fuss is about. “We got married the next day. Frost was the witness and I’ll never forget the look on the reverend’s face while held at gunpoint, officiating the fastest marriage ever. We were out of there in 10 minutes, huh, Pumpkin?”

“Yes, it was super-fast,” you regretfully sigh. ”Never had a reception.”

“That night, there were fireworks, I’m telling you,” The Joker winks and the boys protest.

“For heaven’s sake dad, really?!”

“ You two have dirty minds; there were fireworks because it was the 4th of July,” the wicked chuckle resonates in the office. “So much fun to tease them,” J reckons, thrilled to have someone to taunt all the time.

“Stop messing with my babies,” you pout, but he knows you enjoy it also.

“What are you boys up to?” their father wants to know about his sons’ plans.

Kase opens his mouth to report on what’s going on but J cuts him off.

“Hold that thought, I suddenly have an itch that only your mom can scratch!”

“Jeez, dad!!!”

“Seriously?!” the protests are fast to follow his comment.

“You kids have a really dirty mind, definitely my offsprings ,” the proud observation coming from the Joker makes them shake their heads as you take a deep breath, knowing there is nothing you can do about it. At least it’s funny. “I have an itch here, on my shoulder and since Y/N is right here, she can scratch it for me.”

They both roll their eyes and J slaps your waist, excited:  
“They’re soooo much fun to pick on!” the malicious snicker echoes in the room again.

“Well,” Kase reports, “ I have a date tonight with Aria.” (That’s Frost’s daughter)

“NO!!!” your husband barks.

“What?! WHY???” your oldest objects, unhappy at his dad’s refusal.

“One date is gonna lead to another and God knows what else and before we know it I’ll be related to Frost!”

You want to laugh so badly it’s hard to hold it in.

“Baby, it’s just a date,” you try to cool him down, gently tracing the collar of his white shirt. “They always hang out anyway, so…what’s an official date added to that?”

“No way in hell! Did you kiss her yet?”

“Yeah, many times,” the teenager swiftly spits out, and you smile to yourself because you already knew the little secret.

“Shit!! I’m gonna be related to Frost!” J panics, displeased and he shoves himself into you, feeling he’s starting to sweat from anxiety.

“They are just teenagers, handsome, you are thinking too far ahead,” you state the evident detail, kissing his Damaged tattoo.

“He’s not going!” J fumes, determined to stop any kind of actions that might lead to him being related to your best friend. The ideas he gets…

“But dad…” your son has a vague comeback and his younger brother warns him to shut up.

“I don’t wanna be related to Frost, don’t make me repeat myself one more time! “ The Joker shouts, antagonized.

You wink at your sons, then turn your attention towards the third child you have:

“If your dad says no, then it’s a no,” and they get up to leave.

“Fine…” Kase sulks and his sibling opens the door so they can both get out. Once the boys are on the hallway, they silently high five, smirking.

“Mom got this!” oldest mutters, relieved. “I’m going to take a shower soon and get ready for tonight.”

“Can I come too?” Kaiden begs since he doesn’t want to be left behind.

“No way, dude! Find your own date!” he shows his brother away and they start horsing around on the way to the kitchen.

In the meantime, you got on the desk, keeping your feet on J’s lap while he tries to figure out why the damned computer just froze. You sigh, puckering your lips, which prompts the question:

“What’s wrong, Doll?”

“Too bad we got interrupted, hm?”

“Yeah, no kidding. Those kids need a life, teenagers are supposed to be out and about, this way we can have fun too.”

You pretend to be upset and scoot over more towards the edge of the desk.

“Mmmmm, since my baby can’t have fun, I’m not in the mood for too much either.”

“What do you mean?” The Joker licks his silver teeth, intrigued.

“A shame you didn’t even get to see what I’m wearing under this dress…”

“What exactly are you wearing under your dress?” He wants to sound totally uninterested, but you know better.

“Purple lace, one of the most outrageous, obscene and vile pieces of lingerie you’ve ever seen.” J is absolutely obsessed with purple lace, one of his few weaknesses.

“Your strategy is not going to work, Pumpkin. I don’t care; he’s not going on that date.”

You lift your shoulders up, playing with your nails.

“Can I…e-hem…” he fakely coughs, “…get a little glimpse to see what I’m missing on?”

“If you insist,” and you pull down on your front zipper, revealing the outfit in all its might and glory.

“Fuck!” he gulps, scrolling back on his chair so he can see better. “That is niiiice. Daddy likes it, get over here!”

“Nooo, I don’t feel like doing anything anymore; plus, the boys are here also, so…”

“Playing hard to get, huh?”

“If my baby can go on his date, I might be happier also…” you playfully tap your toes on his knees, zipping up your dress again.

You sons barely made it to the kitchen when you peak inside, triumphantly announcing:

“Honey, you’re going on that date with Aria.”

“I knew it!” Kase comes and strains in order to lift you up in his arms.

“Don’t break your back, Casanova!” you point out and he puts you down, panting, kissing your cheek in the process.

“You’re the best mom!” he compliments you, feverish it all worked in his favor.

“I know,” you caress his face, turning around to leave and thinking: “the purple lace strikes again.”

You’re almost out of the kitchen when your oldest has an outburst:

“I wish dad was more like you, mom. Sometimes he can be such a jerk!”

You freeze in place, your right eye twitching.

“What did you just say?!” you spin on your heels to face him, being so mad your ears are ringing. Kaiden gets frightened seeing how menacing you look walking towards his brother. “Did you just call my husband a jerk?!”

“Ummm…I …I…didn’t mean to,” Kase stutters, realizing he’s in big trouble.

“Your father might be a jerk, but that’s for me to assess and deal with, do we understand each other?!” you raise your voice, pissed. Kaiden places himself in between you two, alarmed – you’ve never direct such anger towards them before and he knows it’s dangerous to keep you in this state.

“Mom, mom, he didn’t mean it, you know he’s stupid! Mom, please look at me!” he cups your face, forcing you to glare at him. “Mom, please…he didn’t mean to…” he repeats, scared to see how you get when you can’t control yourself.

You exhale a few times, struggling to keep it together.

“You’re lucky you’re my kid! If I ever hear you disrespecting your dad again, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life. I shared my fries with him and I never share my fries, so don’t talk like this again! Did I make myself clear?” you sneer, annoyed. 

“Yes, mom, I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t mean it…” he whispers, startled.

“No date!!!” you decide and your boy is stunned. “ No cell, no TV, no computer, no tablet, no Play Station for 2 weeks!!!” and you signal for his phone which he gives up right away, figuring out it can get worse if he doesn’t comply.

You snag the phone from his hand and head towards the balcony to chill.

“You’re an idiot!” his younger brother concludes, still shaking from the commotion.”What is wrong with you?!”

**************

Kase decides to go talk to his dad, maybe there is something he might be willing to do to shorten the sentence.

“What’s the ruckus about?” The Joker growls, still trying to figure out why the computer is acting out.

“I said something I shouldn’t have and that woman took it out of proportion,” his son whines, not comprehending the extent of his new offense. “Now I’m grounded for 2 weeks.”

His father stops typing and adjusts his gold bracelets, then lifts his cold, blue eyes to stare at his kid.

“Did you…just…called your mother…that woman?!” A few bones crack in his neck and to say he is furious would be an understatement.

“Ummm…Yes, I did, I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to,” Kase wants to patch up his huge mistake, backing out towards the exit, unsettled.

“That woman,” he gets up his chair, slamming his fist on the heavy oak desk,” shared her dumb potatoes with me at Arkham, and she never shares her fries. Do not disrespect my wife or I swear you will deeply regret it, understand??!!!!” J shouts, trying to control himself since this is his own son, otherwise he would probably be dead now.

“Y-yes dad,” Kase stammers, fleeing the office before it gets worse but its’ too late.

“Add 3 more weeks to those 2 your mother punished you with!” the grave, deep voice makes him aware while his younger brother punches his side, irked:

“You’re a moron!! If you keep it up, you’ll be grounded until you’re 40! A complete ass!!!”

“I don’t need this from you,” Kase pushes away his sibling, bitter and resentful.

But after about 30 minutes, he decides that is better if he apologizes to both you and J.

He goes into the office and it’s deserted.

“Mom? Dad?” he takes a quick look around. “Where are they?” Kase mutters, intrigued. “Hey, Kaiden, are mom and dad upstairs?” he yells and the reply confirms:

“No, not here, maybe on the balcony?”

The penthouse is pretty big, on two levels, 7 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, the huge living room being the center of it, plus the kitchen and the balcony. Even so, it shouldn’t be that hard to find one’s parents. But there is no trace of you two.

“Kaideeennnn!” Kase shouts again, “I think they abandoned the nest again and sneaked out to go on one of their little dates!”

“You mean robbery?” his brother comes out of the bedroom, gathering his long hair in a messy bun.

“Yeah, that! Wanna go and catch a movie? I’m grounded, but only from electronics.”

“Might as well since we’re home alone. Hold on, I need to get my gold bracelets!” (just in case you were wondering which son takes more after J).

After the boys leave, you and The Joker come out from under the desk you were hiding. When Kase barged into the office, you and J were beneath it, plugging and unplugging cords, messing with the wiring, trying to figure out why the computer doesn’t work. You stopped what you were doing, deciding not to disclose your whereabouts. Now that the kids are out of there, you’ll have some privacy with your husband. The little strategy worked and you are more than happy to enjoy some fun time.

Unfortunately, the boys came straight home after the movie. They walk inside and it’s dark.

“They’re not here yet,” Kase stretches, walking in front of his brother and when they take the corner to get to their rooms, they notice the door cracked opened to the master bathroom, candle light flickering in the darkness. Water splashes, you giggle and their father purrs so loud they feel the need to make their presence known right away: 

“Ummm, we’re back…” Kaiden sniffles, clenching to his brother’s arm.

“What?!” they hear your displeased comment and J groans, fed up with all the disruptions.

“Hold on, baby, I’ll take care of this,” you kiss him before getting out of the Jacuzzi. You grab your fluffy robe and get out on the hallway, turning the lights on.

“Hi, mom,” they both greet, looking guilty like they did something wrong when in fact…they didn’t.

“Aaahhh, my beautiful boys,” you get in between them, taking their arms and guiding them downstairs. “Why are you home so early, hm?”

“It’s 10pm, mom,” you youngest shyly attempts to bring it to your knowledge.

“So early! You teenagers are supposed to be out there, doing crazy stuff that young people do.” You make them walk towards the elevator, not before stopping in front of the armoire and taking out hundred dollars bills that you stash in their pockets until they don’t fit anymore. “Go have fun, the night is young!” you encourage, pushing them inside the elevator when the doors open. “Kiss!” you point out towards your cheeks and they each kiss one in the same time. “Have fun!” you wink before the elevator’s door close.

On the way down, the siblings look at each other, puzzled.

“Did we…did we just kicked out the penthouse so our parents can have sex?!” your oldest son addresses Kase, scratching his arm with the new tattoo he got last week.

“Obviously…How much do we have?” his brother inquires, trying to put together the pile of hundred dollar bills you gave him.

“Not sure…” Kaiden takes a visual of both their monetary resources, concluding: “A few thousands?”

“Acceptable amount for a decent night out. You do realize we have the best parents ever, right?”

“Pffftt, suuuuuure,” his brother replies and they push each other around, snickering all the way down.

*********************

Tomorrow is the big day: you’ll finally have the wedding reception you never had.

The Joker goes into the bedroom, carrying a small box. He places it on the nightstand on your side of the bed and heads out of the room, but Kase blocks the exit.

“Where are you going, dad?” he crosses his arms on his chest in disapproval.

“To get your mom so we can go to sleep,” J squints his eyes, not seeing the big picture.

“NO! It’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding,” and Kase slams the door in his father’s face, locking it from the outside.

“Are you kidding me?!” a very vexed Joker bangs at the door. “I’m already married to her; we’ll just have the reception. Open up!”

“Nope, you’re not sleeping in the same room tonight, gotta keep some traditions going!”

“I can’t sleep without her, open up, don’t piss me off!”

“No way, dad, not this time!”  
Three doors up, you were looking for some items in the guest bedroom and now that you are done, you should probably go to sleep so you are heading out of the room when Kaiden blocks your way.

“Where are you going, mom?”

“To sleep,” you divulge, wanting to pass by but he won’t bulge.

“No, mom! Dad can’t see you tonight. It’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.”

“We are already married, you silly child, we’ll just have the reception.”

“No, mom!” and the door gets slammed in your face and locked on the outside.

“What in the world?! …Open up, don’t annoy me! You know I can’t sleep without your dad!”

“You’ll have to, mom, gotta keep up the tradition!”

And the brothers meet up in the middle of the distance separating your temporary prisons, fist bumping and pleased at their little perfect plan to keep you apart for the night.

Meanwhile, you found a solution to your problem: you are walking on the railing constructed on the outside of the building, carefully moving with your back against the brick wall. The cement railing leading to the master bedroom is not very thick so you don’t even look down from the 30th floor, hoping you’ll not get dizzy since you hate heights. You finally reach your destination and knock on the window. J is still at the door, annoyed he has to put up with his crazy kids and their crazy ideas.

“Princess!” The Joker grins when he sees you and rushes to open the window so you can slip inside.

“Ssstttt!” you smile and jump in his arms. “Keep your voice down, we have to let them think they won, otherwise they’ll keep bugging us!” you whisper in his ear, glad you will be able to sleep since you can’t afford dark circles and baggy eyes tomorrow.

“I was thinking to do the same,” he points out towards the window, moaning when you keep on biting and kissing his neck in frenzy. “I got you something, Doll! Consider it a wedding gift,” J places you on the table and grabs the little box he placed on the night stand earlier.

“Yum, it smells good, what is it?” you open it with the outmost curiosity and…”OH MY GOD!!!!” you look at him, stunned. “Are these…Arkham French fries?! “

“Surprise!” he chuckles, keeping it low. “I had to pull some strings to get the damned potatoes but…here they are. Still warm.”

“Wanna share?” you hop off the table and clasp his hand, taking refuge in the walk - in closet. After you seal the door, you feel this is your new fortress so you start eating the fries. “Wow, baby, they taste the same. Do you reckon they have the same cook?!” you lean your head on his shoulder, biting half of one piece and feeding him the other half.

“Wouldn’t be surprised,” he licks his lips, pleased he got you so excited with the little present. “Trapped in there just like the rest of the inmates.”

“Probably,” you sigh and slide down to the floor, continuing to munch on your food.

“Holy crap!” your husband gasps when notices a small piece of your reception gown coming out from under the plastic wrap. “Is that…purple lace?!”

“U-hum,” you nod your head and he gets worked up.

“How am I supposed to make it throughout the day with you wearing that?! I might have to steal you away for a couple of hours so I can get it out of my system,” he yanks you in his arms, roughly kissing you.

“I was counting on that,” the naughty look on your face lets him know. “Auuchhh,” you protest in pain when his hands go down your back.

“What is it?”

“It still hurts a bit,” you uncomfortably squirm in his lap and turn around a bit so he can see. “I got it this morning,” and you lift your shirt up, disclosing the patched up skin at the bottom of your back. “Take a look; it’s one of your gifts!”

The Joker peels the bandage and gasps: your new tattoo represents a pile of fries and hearts, having “I only share with Mister J” written around it.

“I fucking love it!” he caresses the skin, aroused. “It makes me wanna…” and he stops, devouring you with his blue gaze.

“What, Daddy? Makes you wanna do what?” you outline his lips, mesmerized.

“…eat more fries!” he gropes you and you start laughing so hard he has to cover your mouth. “Shush, those crazy kids will hear you!” but he’s laughing too so you have to cover his mouth. After you calm down, you take another fry from the almost gone supply, take a bite out of it and give J the rest, not wanting to waste any.

After all, you got married because of these damned things.


End file.
